insights, idiosyncrasies & intricate details

if the elephants have past lives and are destined to always remember…

it’s embarrassing for me to admit, but i’m messing everything up, i think.

against the jagged background of my seething anger and hatred for a certain d, the bruising question still remains: does the fact that this is still bothering me, that it still has this much power over my life, point to failure on my part? am i doing something wrong, or is this all a natural course of things until “time passes and heals all” (a phrase i have been told so many times, but only frustrates me further)? but if it’s the latter, why am i miserably losing at this race to recovering/rebounding? i’m gasping for air in my attempts to surpass the d, but i’m just not fast enough. it’s a race in quicksand, but he somehow seems to have amazing quicksandshoes.

maybe it’s the weather, but i’m not feeling too great. god, i’ve become a silly high school melodramatic, the type i always used to make fun of. i fail.

…it’s no wonder how they scream.

DISCLAIMER

so as much as i rant and reveal my problems, i don’t want anyone to think that i’m an emo-angry-depressing psycho. i’m just verbaldiarrheaing all the whatevers in my brain, and in the bigger picture, this is just a microscopic part of what is really important and existent in my life. all the rants concentrated together in this blog might make it seem like my life is so sad and emo, but, you know, i do use this blog to rant.

glitch

i don’t know where i’m grounded anymore. a lot of times when someone asks me “how are you?” i stare blankly at them for a few seconds until i can muster up a quiet, confused “good good………………………………how are you?”. i’m scared i lost my core. like i don’t know what i believe in. questioning everything. everything. what is right and wrong? what is the point? what is true and what is false? where is the line between optimism and naivety? pessimism and realism?

i can’t make any decisions without reasoning and speculating about the damn issue until it’s all pulpy and overanalyzed and i start panicking. i’ve always been indecisive, since i can remember— pink or peach? sandwich or burger? brush or pen?— but this kind of lost-ness is unsettling, like i’ve become a slate wiped clean of everything that’s ever defined me. it’s just a tad worrisome.

but somehow, the even weirder thing is, i generally feel content/at peace. it does often feel like i’m under the effects of a sedative. but at the back of my brain?heart?whatever, there are inexplicable undertones of anxiety. it’s like i’m furiously fighting to hold the monsters down under the rug i’ve swept them under, while smiling. 

i don’t really know what i live for anymore- what drives me? where is my happiness? i used to be so sure of myself, but i can’t even answer the simplest, most fundamental questions. and the things that normally are supposed to give me a sense of groundedness, motivation, meaning, and happiness just feel empty and my day-to-day actions are rendered robotic.

L told me to just appreciate the beauty of life and that shitty things that happen in the past are just what they are: in the past. i know that, of course, and it’s such a familiar philosophy that i’ve often lived by myself. but somehow, it’s become laughable to newly-cynical me. and, i don’t even know how to approach that kind of belief anymore (per my above-mentioned lifecluelessness). i’m wandering aimlessly, subsisting off the relative calm i’m having now, even if my days lack the spark they used to have. i just have no idea how to get where i want to go because 1) i don’t know where i want to be or should be in the first place 2) my core instincts are wiped clean 3) i don’t have the trust or confidence in myself to really recover my surety at this point, as much as i desperately want to.

i’m so lost and confused. someone just give me a fucking map.

Dear God,

You said to just rely solely on you, and I will be healed. That all will be good. I’m trying to do that, but how am I supposed to be at peace when my attempts only seem to feed my devastation?

If this is your way of bringing me closer to you, I’ll be honest— I don’t like it. I’m barely, BARELY keeping things at bay and in control. And now this crap happens, the millionth blow.

I have no energy for learning the lesson anymore.

Help.

-Yours truly

Random library observations

I know the night wears on….

Not from the clock, but from the slowly dropping level of Diet Coke in the bottle of the boy who sits adjacent to me.

the longest three days

So rageful these days. Maybe it’s stress and crankiness combined from being unbelievably inundated with work and so sick I feel like crying/dying every moment of the day. Everything is an echoing blur-throb and I feel like I’m walking through each day in a fog (feels more like a transparent jelly) lifelessly, listlessly, trying my best not to pass out due to sleep-deprivation and the little man in my head hacking away at my skull. I can’t taste, smell, or hear. Pressure in my sinuses and pressure to do well, i.e. survive. Suffocation and stress and nervoustummyache ensues. Everything and everyone irritates and frustrates me. Only in certain moments, though. Don’t worry. And it’s not you. Not you.

But it’s all in seething secret.

I definitely need more Jesus in my life. And a better immune system. And more clones of me to do all my work perfectly. Or slaves. Really really really really smart and efficient slaves. Okay no Christmas list. Just Jesus. 

ERRRRRP.

Save me. S’il. Vous. Plait.

[[…back to work. ::SOB::]]