glitch
i don’t know where i’m grounded anymore. a lot of times when someone asks me “how are you?” i stare blankly at them for a few seconds until i can muster up a quiet, confused “good good………………………………how are you?”. i’m scared i lost my core. like i don’t know what i believe in. questioning everything. everything. what is right and wrong? what is the point? what is true and what is false? where is the line between optimism and naivety? pessimism and realism?
i can’t make any decisions without reasoning and speculating about the damn issue until it’s all pulpy and overanalyzed and i start panicking. i’ve always been indecisive, since i can remember— pink or peach? sandwich or burger? brush or pen?— but this kind of lost-ness is unsettling, like i’ve become a slate wiped clean of everything that’s ever defined me. it’s just a tad worrisome.
but somehow, the even weirder thing is, i generally feel content/at peace. it does often feel like i’m under the effects of a sedative. but at the back of my brain?heart?whatever, there are inexplicable undertones of anxiety. it’s like i’m furiously fighting to hold the monsters down under the rug i’ve swept them under, while smiling.
i don’t really know what i live for anymore- what drives me? where is my happiness? i used to be so sure of myself, but i can’t even answer the simplest, most fundamental questions. and the things that normally are supposed to give me a sense of groundedness, motivation, meaning, and happiness just feel empty and my day-to-day actions are rendered robotic.
L told me to just appreciate the beauty of life and that shitty things that happen in the past are just what they are: in the past. i know that, of course, and it’s such a familiar philosophy that i’ve often lived by myself. but somehow, it’s become laughable to newly-cynical me. and, i don’t even know how to approach that kind of belief anymore (per my above-mentioned lifecluelessness). i’m wandering aimlessly, subsisting off the relative calm i’m having now, even if my days lack the spark they used to have. i just have no idea how to get where i want to go because 1) i don’t know where i want to be or should be in the first place 2) my core instincts are wiped clean 3) i don’t have the trust or confidence in myself to really recover my surety at this point, as much as i desperately want to.
i’m so lost and confused. someone just give me a fucking map.
2 years ago • 0 notes